Tuesday, May 11, 2004 Updated: May 18, 4:06 PM ET
Late Word: Courting Kobe
Compiled by Page 3 staff
With real life news reading funnier than made-up comedy bits, the Late Night kings are loving every minute of it.
Page 3's top shelf team (OK, it's one dude out on the west coast, but he's still top shelf) compiled the best sports comedy riffs from the past week.
From "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno
"It's TGIF for Lakers fans -- Thank God for Fisher. Did you see the game last night? It was amazing. Derek Fisher hit a shot with four-tenths of a second left to win the game. They won 74-73. He scored in four-tenths of a second. That beats the old record set by Kobe Bryant in the hotel room." (May 14)
(From the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas)
"Right now they're having a slots tournament. They call it a tournament. Like these people are athletes!" (May 12)
"President Bush invited the world champion New England Patriots to the White House for the second time on Monday, and here's the interesting part. At this point, the Patriots may actually have a better chance to be back at the White House next year than Bush." (May 12)
"One of the big things here in Las Vegas (where Leno was taping the show) is celebrity impersonators. That's huge here. Of course we have that in L.A. too. I think they're called the Clippers." (May 10)
"At a fund-raising gathering in Washington, D.C., President Bush raised a record $38.5 million. The best visual was President Bush shaking hands with boxing promoter Don King, and it made history. President Bush is the first guy in history to ever shake hands with Don King and walk away with money." (May 10)
"Rush Limbaugh spoke out on the Iraqi prison situation today. He said it's entirely generated by the media. What, is this guy on drugs?" (May 7)
"Do you know what the advertising rate was for (a commercial during the 'Friends' finale) tonight? It was $2 million for 30 seconds. That's the most expensive 30 seconds since Kobe Bryant was in that hotel room with that girl." (May 6)
"The new number one movie is 'Mean Girls' about a bunch of catty, gossiping girls constantly fighting with each other. So it's based on the Lakers." (May 4)
"John Kerry fell off his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride and fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall. Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officer about what happened." (May 4)
"It was so hot yesterday, people were going to go see the Lakers just for the cold shooting." (May 3)
"Senator John Kerry was out riding his bicycle and fell off. Luckily, he landed on his wallet, so he was fine." (May 3)
From "Jimmy Kimmel Live" with Jimmy Kimmel
"Big deal on 'The Bachelor' last night. 'The Bachelor' Jesse Palmer narrowed the field down to just Tara and Jessica B. And listen to this confession he made to Jessica. (Shows clip of Palmer telling Jessica he's falling in love with her ... and someone else.) 'I guess what I'm trying to say is will you be one of my wives?' ... Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. So they're a happy triple." (May 13)
"A weird, action-packed day for Kobe Bryant today. First of all, Kobe's accuser snuck into the courtroom through a fire door to hear what was going on today at the hearing. And then Kobe had to make a plea, he had to put in a plea today. And he seemed very relaxed about the whole thing ... (shows clip) After that Kobe flew straight to L.A. for a playoff game tonight against the Spurs that's going on right now. The Lakers are actually 3-0 on Kobe's court days, when he's had a court appearance. Actually, I heard the Lakers are trying to get Gary Payton charged with something. Nothing too serious. Maybe a carjacking, some shoplifting or something just to give them a little extra boost." (May 11)
"This is good. This is football great Deion Sanders on some religious show today. (Shows clip of Sanders on stage, crouched down talking towards his jacket on the floor about seeing a bright light in his room, 'as if a helicopter had landed in his room.') First of all that was the police. And secondly, why are you telling it to your sport coat? Jesus does crazy things to people; he really does." (May 11)
Kimmel: "An ugly story out of Scandinavia. Robbie Russell, he's an African-American soccer player who plays for one Norwegian team, was racially taunted by the fans of another Norwegian team. They cursed him and they spit at him and they grabbed at him through a fence. I didn't know that sort of thing went on in Norway. What do you say to these people, Robbie?
Actor playing Russell, wearing soccer jersey and holding a soccer ball: "Norway, you ain't nothing but a bunch of yellow-haired, whale stabbing, walrus-humping glacier monkeys. Skoal-eating bitches." (then walks off stage)
Kimmel: "I can't say that I blame him." (May 10)
New York Giants quarterback and star of ABC's "The Bachelor" Jesse Palmer was a guest on the show.
Kimmel: "Why did you become 'The Bachelor?' You weren't getting enough women as a quarterback in the NFL?"
Palmer: "I think being an immigrant in New York City was difficult and it kind of took its toll on me, I think, with the language barrier."
Kimmel: "You're from Canada, right?"
Palmer: "That's right, yeah."
Kimmel: "Do you speak French?"
Palmer: "I do. Well, I did."
Kimmel: "What happened?"
Palmer: "I took it all through high school, but when I got to (the University of) Florida, I realized nobody spoke it anymore, so I kind of lost it for a bit. But I've been trying to get it back as I've been going ..."
Kimmel: "Well, you've been doing a log of French kissing on television that's for sure."
Palmer: "That's been good for trying to get it back."
Kimmel: "How is it you've made out with 22 of the 25 girls? That's true?"
Palmer: "(I think) it was six ... or 22."
Kimmel: "That's good stuff. Now be honest, how many did you make love to?"
Palmer: "You know ... (crowd laughs as he hesitates) If memory serves me ..."
Kimmel: "Do you want a pen if you want to make marks down?
"I think (previous 'Bachelor') Bob Guiney holds the mark here at ABC. Three and a half is his number."
Palmer: "A half."
Kimmel: "I won't explain the half thing, but I'll tell you later. That's the number there. I know you're a competitive guy; obviously you're a football player. That's the mark. Did you beat Bob?"
Palmer: "Up to this point in the show, no."
Kimmel: "Up to this point, wow.
"It's really something though. It's like organized prostitution in a way."
Palmer: (Nods yes.) "Exactly."
Kimmel: "It's not that much different than walking into the lobby of the Chicken Ranch and all the girls there wanna take you into their trailer, right? And you get to decide, 'Hmmmm, which one will it be.' "
Palmer: "I don't know. ... You should try to get 'em to drink as much as possible."
Kimmel: "Well, that's always the rule, isn't it? So you come to the United States and you start sleeping with all our women. Which is OK, which is OK. I think that's all right. ..."
"What about the guys on the team? Are they watching the show?"
Palmer: "Yeah, we're actually getting together on Wednesday nights and watching it together. We're having big 'Bachelor' parties around the greater New York area."
Kimmel: "Are they goofing on you?"
Palmer: "The guys have been unbelievable. You know what's been great is a chance to kinda share the experience. You saw Tiki Barber and Amani Toomer and the guys in the first episode and Jim Finn."
Kimmel: "Yeah, you try to drag everybody down with you, right?"
Palmer: "It hasn't been bad. There are still two episodes left, so that is not to say I won't get stuck to a goalpost in the greater New York or New Jersey area."
Kimmel: "Now what about this girl, Trish? Psycho or not psycho."
Palmer: "I think stalker ... is stalker the term? We'll see how that plays out because I think the next episode is gonna be a good one coming up where obviously Trish makes a return. I had no idea it was gonna happen. We'll see how it plays itself out."
Kimmel: "Yeah, they like to do that sort of thing. Let's take a look at a clip of Trish on 'The Bachelor.'"
(Shows clip of Trish vowing to get back "her boyfriend" although she's been dumped from the group of finalists.)
"You're gonna be hearing from her for many, many years. You're gonna find a rabbit boiling in your kitchen, courtesy of Trish." (May 10)
Kimmel: "The coach of a boys basketball team at a New Jersey middle school is in trouble because he gave one of his players a crybaby trophy. Here's the news and the guy's father with more ..." (shows news clip)
TV reporter: "The coach presented the crybaby award to that young man, saying and we quote 'He begged to get in the game and all he did was whine.' His father was outraged."
Father: "Crybaby award? Let's see ... parents over here on the side laughing, kids ... I'm like, 'Oh, man.' And I'm just looking at him, he's looking like he's ready to cry ..."
Kimmel: " 'Thanks, Dad.' ... Father's Day, by the way, is just around the corner." (May 4)
They ran the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. Anybody watch the Kentucky Derby? Any gamblers here? It was raining, so the track was muddy, so that led to a surprising finish. Watch how happy the winning horse's owner is. (Shows video of elderly Smarty Jones owner Roy Chapman with oxygen tubes in his nose clutching his chest and trying to catch his breath.) ... He looks (like it) was all worth it. 'Twenty-five CC's of mint juleps, stat!' I tell ya how close that race was, that man was 24 years old. But congratulations to Star Jones, winner of the Kentucky Derby. That is ... exciting for her. What a year for her; first she finds a husband and now this." (May 3)
"Late Show" with David Letterman
"Here's a little inside dirt about CBS. They didn't want us to do the show this morning at 4 a.m. They said if they wanted to deal with a giant pain in the ass this early in the morning, they'd bring back Bryant Gumbel." (May 14)
The "Top 10 Perks Of Being An Olympic Athlete" as read by 10 U.S. Olympians:
10. Blaine Wilson, gymnastics: "Win the gymnastics competition and you get to keep the pommel horse."
9. Laura Berg, softball: "After the closing ceremonies, I can let myself go for the next 3½ years."
8. Jimmy Pedro, judo: "Serving as an ambassador of peace, spreading my harmony through the use of strangleholds."
7. Steven Lopez, tae kwon do: "When we arrive in Greece, we get to help them build stadiums."
6. Shane Hammon, weightlifting: "It's fun to watch the hotel bellboy try to lift my bags."
5. Phil Trinter, sailing: "Every four years, people briefly pay attention to me - kind of like Ralph Nader."
4. Mari Holden, cycling: "Free admission to all Olympia Dukakis movies."
3. Keeth Smart, fencing: "Having your life story turned into a melodramatic montage narrated by Bob Costas."
2. Ron Siler, boxing: "I get to beat people up in a different country for a change."
1. Jenny Thompson, swimming: "Let's just say you can't be the next 'American Idol' without our approval." (May 13)
"Jennifer Lopez -- keep your fingers crossed -- she's getting married again. The lucky man is Marc Anthony, the popular singer, and I am very excited. Mom and I are season-ticket holders." (May 12)
The "Top 10 Pieces Of Advice I Gave My Celebrity Child," as read by 10 celebrity mothers:
10. Lance Armstrong's mom, Linda: "That whole 'win the Tour de France five years in a row' thing? My idea."
9. Stephon Marbury's mom, Mabel: "No rice pudding until you perfect the crossover dribble."
8. Liv Tyler's mom, Beebee: "Remember to moisturize so you don't end up looking like Letterman."
7. Avril Lavigne's mom, Judy: "Use your music industry clout to make CDs easier to open."
6. Jimmy Fallon's mom, Gloria: "Wash your hands after being near that Paris Hilton."
5. Carson Daly's mom, Patty: "Carson, why be a doctor? Be a veejay on MTV."
4. Tyra Banks' mom, Caroline: "Stay away from that Donald Trump."
3. Julia Roberts' mom, Betty Lou, who was played by a male member of the "Late Show" staff: "Save your money, honey, because trust me, beauty fades."
2. Beyonce's mom, Tina: "If you wanna be famous, work hard, stay in school, and be really, really hot."
1. David Letterman's mom, Dorothy: "Don't tell people you're my son." (May 7)
A bit about a John Kerry ad featured this voiceover: "John Kerry was a well-known figure in Massachusetts even before his distinguished Senate career. He was a respected assistant district attorney. He served as lieutenant governor, and in 1980 at Boston's Fenway Park, he ran on the field naked and kissed Red Sox legend Carl Yastrzemski. John Kerry for president. Leadership you can trust." (May 5)
"I had a fantastic weekend. Mom came in because the bus rates have never been lower, and we go up to the house on Saturday, and we watch the Kentucky Derby, and mom is like a horse racing fanatic, and right in the middle of the race she turns to me and says, 'David, which one is Seabiscuit?' " (May 4)
"This weekend is the Kentucky Derby. You know at the Kentucky Derby, they've got animals, they've got short guys, they've got mint juleps. I'm telling you, it's like a weekend at Neverland Ranch." (April 30)
"Late Night" with Conan O'Brien
"Big sports news this week. Yankees catcher Jorge Posada said he toughens up his hands by soaking them in urine. Yeah, in other words, Posada takes the subway to work." (May 7)
I don't know if you heard about this little celebrity scandal. The other day at the Kentucky Derby, Anna Nicole Smith and Kid Rock got into a shouting match and caused scene. ... Yeah, apparently they kept yelling at each other, 'Why are you famous again?'" (May 4)
"Late Late Show" with Craig Kilborn
"Top story, reaching at least one of our goals news: Finally some good news from Iraq, where the Iraqi soccer team advanced to the Olympics by beating rival Saudi Arabia 3-1. Ah the thrill of victory, the agony of watching soccer. Afterwards, Iraqis smashed windows, fired guns, overturned cars ... then they celebrated the victory. This was just one of many great moments in the history of Iraqi soccer. Let's take a look back."
Announcer: "And now it's time for 'Great Moments in History of Iraqi Soccer." On June 5, 1998, Uday Hussein gets the flu. For two straight days he's too fatigued to ruthlessly pummel the players with a mahogany club.
"In March of 2001, electricity goes out in Baghdad, making it impossible for Uday Hussein to electrocute the team's nipples.
"Jan. 8, 2002: Uday Hussein sleeps late and skips morning practice. The team makes it through an entire practice without being tied to a car and dragged through the streets at 40 miles an hour." (May 14)
So, we're taping our show earlier in the day, as we normally do, so an update on the Lakers and Spurs game that's going on right now. Update: I don't want to say the Lakers are way ahead but they just sent in the white guys." (May 13)
NBA great Bill Russell had the following exchange after showing a photo of Russell during his playing days with the Boston Celtics.
Kilborn: "You guys are wearing satin shorts back then. Were those comfortable?"
Russell: "Well, you see, what happened was, in those days ... where I was growing up, in Oakland, we had a saying, 'The men are men and women are glad of it.' So we used to wear these short shorts because we found out that the ladies loved size.'" (May 11)
"Today Kobe Bryant was in court, where he pled not guilty. Kobe put his hand on the Bible, and the Bible pressed charges." (May 11)
"Actually, finally some good news for those naked Iraqi inmates. They just got hired for next year's Super Bowl halftime show." (May 10)
"On a serious note, everyone is still talking about that group of men who were humiliated, laughed at, mocked ... But enough about the Lakers." (May 6)
"Late Late Show" head writer Mike Gibbons tried to apologize for saying "NASCAR people are good people, good simple people" on the previous night's show.
Gibbons: "I'd like to apologize to NASCAR fans for calling them simple. I actually meant it as a compliment, but somehow that subtlety was lost on these complex people ..."
Kilborn: "Gibby, that didn't come out right. Knock it off. Now say it a different way."
Gibbons: "You mean dumb it down."
Kilborn: "Get to the apology, Gibbons."
Gibbons: "All right. In hindsight, I think NASCAR fans might be the complex sophisticated people and I'm the simple person. For example, I didn't go out into the big, scary world at a young age like they did. I went to college ..."
Kilborn: (After walking over with a movie scene board clicker) "Gibbons apology, take two."
Gibbons: "Like I said I'm sorry. I think I'm the simple one. I don't know anything about cars. I don't know how a combustible engine works. Hell, I don't even know how they get their cars up on the cinder blocks on their front yards."
Kilborn: "Take three, Mike."
Gibbons: "All right, let's back up. I'll admit I don't fully understand NASCAR. I'm sure it would help if my house was on wheels."
Kilborn: "That's enough. Take four. Please, Michael."
Gibbons: "I'm the simple one, very simple. I don't own a single hat that holds beer cans."
Kilborn: "Take five."
Gibbons: "NASCAR fans think outside the box. I don't. My inside furniture is inside the house ..."
Kilborn: "Take six, please."
Gibbons: My wife wears nightgowns ... at night. Not at Sam's Club."
Kilborn: "That's a take seven."
Gibbons: "Big fans of Sam's Club. ... You know that bar that Toby Keith loves. I hate that bar."
Kilborn: "Take eight, hey."
Gibbons: "All right, start again. Now hold on to your corndogs and ..."
Kilborn: "Take nine."
Gibbons: "Also, I'm the one who's not well read."
Kilborn: "You are not well read?"
Gibbons: "I did not get the memo that mullets are back in. They're back ..."
Kilborn: "Last one. Take 10, Gibbons apology."
Gibbons: "Obviously, this whole thing we've bee kidding NASCAR fans. Right now I'm being intentionally condescending ... C-O-N-D- ...
Kilborn: "That's enough of that." (May 5)
"In movie news, Sylvester Stallone is making another 'Rocky' sequel. It's called 'Rocky VI: At Least I'm Not Running for Governor.'" (May 4)
By the way, when 'Friends' is over, NBC now has a new slogan. It's 'NBC, your home for people eating worms, plus arena football.'" (May 3)
"Up in Northern California, there were more wildfires. And there was so much smoke in the air that 400 miles away, the Lakers choked." (May 3)
The Sacramento Kings' brother team of owners Gavin, Joe, George and Phil Maloof were guests and Kilborn joked about Joe being spotted taking Tums during the Mavericks-Kings playoff series.
Joe Maloof: "They ought to give me an endorsement or something."
Kilborn: "Are they going to do something like that? Has someone called?"
Joe: "No, they haven't called, unfortunately. It was lucky. I started to get a little heartburn because the games were so close. They were really great for the NBA; very, very close games. Every time I took a Tums, we won. So I figured, 'Well, I better just stay at it.' So I bought the big bottle, then I bought a bigger bottle and it worked, so I'm going to keep taking them." (May 3)
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart"
Agitated comedian Lewis Black's "Back in Black" segment: "Everybody is talking about war these days, so let me lay another one on you. TiVo versus advertisers. Oh, it's brutal. As Americans zap more and more commercials, advertisers are going guerrilla on our asses, taking the fight to a new and unexpected places." (May 4)
"For example, 5-foot tall bulimic men. At Saturday's Kentucky Derby, jockeys were allowed for the first time to adorn their racing silks with advertisements. After a last minute court order ruled against Churchill Downs, which had banned the ads ... because they didn't want commercial messages tainting the nobility of gambling. (May 4)
To keep the track happy, jockeys agreed not to carry any ads deemed 'inappropriate, offensive or deleterious to the high-quality, great tradition and image of Churchill Downs.' Also, no ads for glue or dog food; it upsets the horses. ... (May 4)
"So what did the guidelines permit? An ad for Hpnotiq, a liqueur made of cognac, vodka and tropical fruit juice. Perfect for Derby day and the only drink more likely to make you puke than a mint julep. (May 4)
A representative of the jockeys guild was pleased with the outcome. (Shows clip of interview with a jockey saying he was happy with the result.) Well, actually he represents both the jockeys guild and the lollipop guild. (May 4)
"Meanwhile, Major League Baseball, a sport that also involves horse steroids, is preparing to offer advertising space on players' uniforms. But this time the athletes are objecting to the ads, not for the purity of the game, but because they conflict with their own endorsement deals. 'Speed Stick? I thought you endorsed Right Guard! Say it ain't so, Joe! Say it!'" (May 4)
"Saturday Night Live"
Tina Fey on Weekend Update: "Yesterday in a New Jersey courtroom, former NBA star Jayson Williams was acquitted of manslaughter charges. Although by all accounts he did pull the trigger in the shooting death of his limo driver. The verdict sends a clear message that, no matter where you live, retired sports stars are allowed to kill you." (May 1)
