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ESPN.com: Page3 | |
When Phidippides completed the world's first marathon in 490 B.C., a whole sorority of buxom, toga-bound beauties likely awaited him at the finish line.
But I'd be willing to bet at the afterparty those Greek groupies rushed the hot lyre player, leaving Phidippides crying into his nectar.
Rock gods and jock gods. They make us pay big dollars for bad seats, cry like Dick Vermeil and rip our clothes off faster than Jessica Simpson plays dumb to a camera.
What's the big deal?
Guitars and bats, Freud would probably say. And as for the ladies, well, it wasn't her, er, backswing that made Anna Kournikova famous. (It was for J. Lo.)
But which idols are more worth our devotion, athletes or musicians? Who has it better? From their escapades to their Escalades, P3 compares and contrasts today's modern warriors and warblers in several key areas:
| Rock Gods vs. Jock Gods | ||||||
| Category |  Rock |
 Jock |
Advantage | |||
| Hair: | The music world praises spindly, leather-clad rockers for long locks and dumb dye jobs. | No singer can compete with the coifs on Ben Wallace and Johnny Damon. | Jock gods | |||
| Movies: | Spinal Tap and KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. You just don't see movies like Bend It Like Bon Jovi (and why would you want to?) | Rudy and Chariots of Fire. | Jock gods | |||
| Groupies: | It's beautiful women who strip off their tops. | Heavyset, hirsute guys in rainbow wigs. | Rock gods | |||
| Toughness: | Gets injured dancing (see Britney Spears, who recently blew out a knee during a video shoot and had to cancel her tour). | Athletes get injured landing catches. | Jock gods | |||
| Lifting: | Singers do bicep curls with cigarettes. | Athletes do them with weights. | Jock gods | |||
| Sweating: | Rockers only sweat at concerts and IRS audits. | Athletes sweat at mini-camp, training camp, conditioning, lifting, games. | Jock gods | |||
| Clothing: | Musicians can get their clothes at Goodwill. | Athletes have to buy their clothes tailor-made at big and tall stores, unless you're David Beckham and it's Today's Metrosexual. | Rock gods | |||
| Competition: | Chingy doesn't have to break down tapes of the latest Snoop Dogg concert. | Athletes watch hours of video to study opponents' plays. | Rock gods | |||
| Excitement: | Even the best and longest guitar solo can't hang with ... | a snow-swirled, sudden-death field goal or a third-overtime slam dunk. | Jock gods. | |||
| Hygiene: | Rock gods wear the same leather pants for a week at a time. | Jason Giambi wears deodorant (and women). | Jock gods | |||
| Manners: | Spit fake blood. | Spit real blood. Unless you're Roberto Alomar or Keith Hernandez (actually Roger McDowell) on Seinfeld and you spit, well, spit. | Rock gods | |||
| Acting: | Singers can usually transfer from music to acting fairly seamlessly (Elvis, Bing Crosby, Mark and Donnie Wahlberg). | Athletes cannot (Shaq, Dennis Rodman, Brian Bosworth, Mitch Gaylord in American Anthem). But like Pete Sampras and Jason Sehorn, athletes can always marry actresses instead. (PS: Sorry, athletes, you can't sing either. Think Deion Sanders or the entire 1985 Chicago Bears Super Bowl team.). | Neither | |||
| Playing time: | Musicians can suck at sports. It's for charity. | If jocks suck, it's their jobs. | Rock gods | |||
| Popularity: | In high school, the rockers were the guys in the trenchcoats and black eyeliner, playing Stairway to Heaven alone on their guitars in the quad during lunch period. | Athletes were usually the BMOC's. | Jock gods | |||
| Wardrobe malfunctions: | Female singers show their bras and get felt up by Justin Timberlake. | The only time female athletes show their bras on national TV is after they've won the World Cup. | Jock god(desse)s | |||
| Performance: | In stadiums, rockers say: "Here's one from our new album." | Athletes announce "heads" or "tails." | Jock gods | |||
| Vanity: | Boy bands wax to look good. | Athletes wax to win the Tour de France. | Jock gods | |||
| Fights: | When singers fight, it's Courtney Love. | When athletes fight, it's because of passion, testosterone and a will to win. | Jock gods | |||
| College: | Both groups can skip it ... | and it's acceptable. | Push | |||
| Retirement: | Old rockers keep schlepping around forever, looking like Ozzy Osbourne and strapping on Depends in the backstage dressing room. | Old athletes tend to fade away gracefully. | Jock gods | |||
| Souvenirs: | The only balls thrown around (we hope) at concerts are beach balls, and they're not worth a damn on eBay. | Just watch the kayakers when Bonds cracks a homer into McCovey Cove. | Jock gods | |||
| Equipment: | Musicians play with "pretend" axes. | ESPN Outdoors competitors play with real ones. | Jock gods | |||
| Events: | You have to worry about a bourbon delay -- if they show up at all. | With jock god games, you only have to worry about a rain delay. | Jock gods | |||
| Stature: | Rock stars always get "You're shorter than I expected" from fans. | Shaq will never have to worry about that. | Jock gods | |||
| Drugs: | Rock gods take heroin and die. | Athletes take steroids and live. But their reproductive organs shrink. At least they can't produce offspring who make such dumb decisions. | Push | |||