The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
At 5 o'clock it's much too crowded
Much too crowded, so crowded
No room for me (too crowded)
Oh, too crowded
Now there's too many ahead of me
They're all the time gettin' in front of me
I thought I could find a clear road ahead
But I found stoplights instead...
Oh, much too crowded
Oh, so crowded
--"Expressway To Your Heart" The Soul Survivors
The Bottom 10 is getting crowded. Like a meeting of the "Do We Really Like Butch Jones?" support group at a Knoxville Shoney's sort of crowded.
October is here and conference play is in full swing. That means that it's time for the Bottom 10 Power 5 conferences to step it up. And by step it up, we mean trying to step it up, but missing a step and doing a face-plant into the shag carpet. (I know all about this: I got new bifocals over the weekend and I constantly feel like Leo DiCaprio trying to walk to his car in "The Wolf of Wall Street.")
In the Sun Belt alone, there are now seven teams with one win or less. There are only 11 teams in the entire conference. In the division with our favorite name, the Mountain West West, there are zero teams with a winning record. And last year's dominant division, the MAC East, is receiving a big challenge from the MAC West, as each half of the middle of America is home to five teams with no more than two wins.
Here at Bottom 10 HQ, located in a crawl space beneath the kitchen where David Pollack mixes his protein shakes, the logjam of so-so teams has created a blockage to our brain stems. The pressure has become so immense that Bottom 10 selection committee chairman Charlie Weis abruptly quit this week. Then he really got mad when he realized that, unlike his other previous jobs, we wouldn't continue to pay him after he left.
With apologies to Elwood Blues and Steve Harvey, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. Kansas (0-4)
I did radio in Lawrence, Kansas, this week. They love me there, almost as much as they love Bill Snyder. The next four weekends bring contests versus Baylor, Texas Tech, Oklahoma State and Oklahoma. Just in time for Halloween.
2. New Mexico State (0-4)
The Other Aggies opened up the Rio Grande Rivalry by starting big and carrying a 29-14 lead into the middle of the third quarter. Then archnemesis New Mexico scored the final 24 points and State wrapped up another Battle of I-25 by taking it south without a Rio Grande trophy for the fourth consecutive year. Yes, it's just a trophy, not an oaken barrel or a six-shooter or bronzed armadillo skull. Someone needs to get on that.
3. Why,oming? (0-5)
The Cowboys traveled 1,611 miles to get throttled by Appalachian State 31-13 a game they started by surrendering a 59-yard TD run and throwing a 91-yard pick-six. On the bright side, they got to fly into and out of a massive hurricane-powered storm front.
4. North Texas Forty (0-4)
Before you Mean Green fans get mad for suddenly going from unranked to fourth, take a look in the mirror. Actually, take a look in the mirrors of your friends and neighbors, because I received multiple emails and tweets from North Texas alums calling me out for not having the Mean Green ranked. Then run, because if you get caught looking into the mirrors of other people they're probably going to call the cops.
5. Ole Missed (4-1)
It's not that the Rebels lost so soon after such a big win. It's that they lost so big so soon after such a big win. The 38-10 drubbing in The Swamp was the most surprisingly bad loss for the Rebs since the Battle of Shiloh.
6. UC (not S)F (0-5)
The good news? The Knights finally discovered some offense, at last cracking that elusive 15-point barrier and posting 31 points against Tulane. The bad news? They still lost 45-31. This week they host UConn in the latest edition of the Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year 4 (PFOWY4). The Bottom 10 is like the UFC. We're going to just keep tacking numbers onto the end of our big matches, no matter how big the number gets or no matter how not big the match actually is. We are also like the UFC in that most of the people in our office have suffered some sort of self-inflicted brain damage.
7. I-duh-ho (1-4)
The Vandals fell in the Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year 3 (PFOWY3), losing at Arkansas State 49-35. This week they square off against the Open Date University Fightin' Byes before beginning a two-week stretch against their longtime traditional and regional Sun Belt rivals, Troy and Louisiana Monroe.
8. Georgia State (1-3)
I gotta be honest, I'm a little relieved to see my old friends at GSU (that GSU, not the other GSU) return to the Bottom 10. It's like having an old friend come back home to stay with you. Sure, they might eat all your cereal and break the coffee table when they trip over it, but it's kind of charming.
9. My Hammy Of Ohio (1-4)
The Redhawks beat the Blue Hose of Presbyterian in the season opener. Since then, it's been a run of misery. Run ... hose ... get it? OK, I'll see myself out. No, wait, there's still one more to go ...
10. Texas (1-4)
It had been a long time, perhaps since never, that a team had been so bad it graduated from the ceremonial Highly Coveted No. 5 spot to an actual Bottom 10 ranking. But Arkansas did it earlier this season and now the Longhorns have followed in the Hogs' flat-tire tracks. It's been a rough year for the Southwest Conference.
Waiting list: R.O.C.K. in the U-T-S-A (1-4), U-Can't (2-3), The Boys From Oopsilanti (1-4), Virginia Tech No-kies (2-3), Big 12 officials, Big 10 chain crews.