The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
"Everybody's got a secret, Sonny,
Yeah, something that they just can't face.
Some folks spend their whole lives trying to keep it,
They carry it with them every step that they take.
'Til one day they just cut it loose,
Cut it loose or let it drag 'em down.
Where no one asks any questions,
Looks too long in your face,
In the darkness on the edge of town."
-- "Darkness on the Edge of Town," Bruce Springsteen
During "Monday Night Football," as I worked to put the finishing touches on this week's rankings, I was snapped out of my usual Bottom 10 trance by the familiar sounds of U2 ... but mixed with the unfamiliar sounds of Bruce Springsteen on lead vocals, filling in for the injured Bono.
As I watched the leather-faced legends thump out tunes, my 10-year-old daughter walked into the room and observed, "Those are some rocking grandpas!" All at once I was reminded of the hard truth we must all face. The hard truth that Bruce, The Edge and all college football teams must accept as December, both real and metaphorically, arrives.
The end isn't here yet -- but it's always closer than it just was.
One by one, college football teams are hitting the final mile of their 2014 schedules. Some already have. For so many teams, they find that those last blocks of travel aren't actually the last stop. Their road goes on just a little further, into the carnival lights of a holiday bowl game, or better yet, it becomes a business trip to one of the sparkling new College Football Playoff games.
These are not those teams.
For the members of the Bottom 10, that final stretch of the trek feels like driving a Yugo through a speed bump factory. Or Bono riding a bicycle. There's no telling precisely where their roads will finally lead, but it's likely to feel more "Sunday Bloody Sunday" than "Born To Run."
Here in Bottom 10 HQ, located in an attic crawlspace above Wright Thompson's Wine and Thesaurus Shoppe, we have a painfully clear view of the edge of town, watching teams and dreams vanish into the darkness, one by one. And off the distance we hear a lone cry. A voice that sounds an awful lot like The Boss, singing, "I'm going down, down, down ..."
With apologies to Steve Harvey and Mad Max Weinberg, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. SMU (0-11)
The boys in red and blue have become the wormhole alternate universe version of Florida State. The Noles go into every halftime locker room -- and often the final few minutes -- looking like a team finally destined to lose a game, and somehow figure out a way to win. Again. The Stangs hit intermission -- and often the final few minutes -- looking like team finally destined to win a game, and somehow figure out a way to lose. Again. This weekend brings a trip to U-Can't, I mean, UConn, which isn't merely the Pillow Fight of the Week, or the PFOW, which is also the sound it makes when you hit someone in the face with a pillow. It could be the Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year, which is even better because it spells PFOWY.
2. Georgia State (1-11)
Two weekends ago, Georgia State Not Southern gave up only 28 points to Clemson Not Clempson. On Saturday, Georgia State Not Southern gave up 54 points to Texas State Not Southern, to end the season at 1-11. The Panthers will no doubt be scoreboard-watching this weekend to see what SMU does in the PFOWY. If SMU wins, they might fumble away the top spot in the Bottom 10 squarely into GSU's hands. But if they lose by enough points, they could supplant GSU for last in the nation in points allowed per game. Right now GSUnotGS is ranked last, 125th in the FCS at 43.33 ppg. SMU is 124th with 43.27. Can you feel the tension in the air? Or was that someone blowing by us for another touchdown?
3. UNLV (2-11)
On Friday, head coach Bobby Hauck resigned. On Saturday, the Rebels were stomped by rival Nevada, 49-27. And in between, the Las Vegas Review-Journal published a column questioning everything in the program from antiquated facilities to being out-recruited by New Mexico to only having 1½ academic advisers. So ... Happy Thanksgiving!
4. The Boys From Oopsilanti (2-10)
The season began with a peloton of MAC teams sliding around the Bottom 10 rankings like a rookery of penguins on the backside of an iceberg. But in the end, the biggest splash and worst record belongs to Eastern Michigan, a team so self-aware that for its season-ending loss to Toledo, it wore uniforms that allowed players to hide on their own field.
5. UCLA (9-3)
When I was kid, my mom would get home from work, look at me and instantly realize that I hadn't unloaded the dishwasher and yell, "YOU ONLY HAD TO DO ONE THING!" I think I heard her voice echoing through the Rose Bowl on Friday night.
6. New Mexico State (2-10)
If you're scoring at home, the Aggies' record over the past three seasons is now 5-31. Three years ago, they won once. Two years ago, they won three times. This year, I was bummed they didn't win three. So was this guy.
7. My Hammy of Ohio (2-10)
This weekend, the College Football Playoff selection committee will likely end up wrestling with a head-to-head matchup debate among Big 12 rivals, as TCU could outrank Baylor, despite Baylor winning their matchup back in October. The margins are so tight that Baylor has hired a PR firm to try to sway public opinion and the committee's hive mind to their favor. Here in the Bottom 10 selection committee, which consists of me, my 17-year-old dog and my mother-in-law, we are wrestling with a similar conundrum. After their snatch-defeat-from-victory effort against Just Plain Ohio, the Fightin' Hammys replace Kent State in the rankings, despite defeating the State head-to-head in October. We know this because Kent State also hired a PR firm to visit our office. OK, it was a kid on a bike selling fruit for the school band. His name was Kent and he said we were idiots, so same difference.
8. I-Duh-Ho (1-10)
"Hi, you've reached the voice mail of Paul Petrino. I can't get to the phone right now because we were in Boone, North Carolina, being throttled by Appalachian State. But if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you." BEEP. "Hey Paul, it's your brother, Bobby. We just beat Kentucky! I figured something that might help you win today. During the pregame, run out on the field, grab an assistant coach from the other team and shake the tar out of him. Hey, it worked for me today. Love you, bro." BEEP.
9. U-Can't (2-9)
We've already told you that SMU is next-to-last in the nation in points per game surrendered. Well, this week's opponent, UConn, is ranked last in the nation in points per game scored. So what we're saying here is that it's entirely possible that on the Huskies' first offensive series, the two teams might just stand at the line of scrimmage and stare at each other wondering exactly what it is they're supposed to do next.
10. Livin' On Tulsa Time (2-10)
From the Creepy File: I started writing this entry on Monday afternoon. Literally at the moment I typed the word "Tulsa," an email hit my inbox with a statement from the school saying it had parted ways with head coach Bill Blankenship. Good thing I had them ranked last and write this deal from first to 10th. Otherwise this apparent Ouija board-like laptop of mine might have slain a whole gaggle of coaches.
Waiting List: Colora-duh (2-10), I-Ow!-a State (2-9), Troy R Us (3-9), Southern Missed (3-9), Wack Forest (3-9), UAB administration hosting worst bowl berth celebration ever.