The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
"I don't know what to say, really.
Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives all comes down to today.
Either we heal as a team, or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch. Play by play. Until we're finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me.
And we can stay here and get the s--- kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch at a time."
-- Coach Tony D'Amato, "Any Given Sunday"
On Saturday night, I stood in the pouring rain, mouth agape and ears a-ringing.
I'm pretty sure my presence there in the end zone aisle of South Carolina's Williams-Brice Stadium was violating a half-dozen fire codes. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the presence of all 84,232 of us at that place in that moment was totally illegal. Since I'd descended from the press box, I know I'd seen lightning at least twice.
But neither the electricity in the skies above nor that shock that now coursed among us in the grandstands could drown out the UGA-clad bro who had suddenly gripped my arm and screamed as if he'd been jabbed with a battery-powered cattle prod.
"One inch! One [expletive] inch!"
One inch might end up being the difference between winning the SEC East, playing for a conference title, or even a berth in the College Football Playoff. That was the difference between South Carolina converting on a fourth-and-inches or Georgia being handed a midfield chance to make one last end zone dash with a whopping 1:22 left in a three-point game.
One inch.
I have a film critic friend who likes to say that Al Pacino's 1999 "One Inch" locker room speech to the Miami Sharks was "the last time Michael Corleone really tried to act that wasn't for HBO." (I pleaded with him about the genius of "Two For The Money" just to make him mad. It worked.) But if that truly ends up being the last stand of Serpico, then so be it. It's a great monologue to be remembered by. And it's totally true.
Cue up a couple of windows on your laptop, one on YouTube and one on college football, and simul-roll that speech while watching the replay of the officials' measurement on Saturday night. Or the fingertips that doomed Georgia last November in the Prayer at Jordan-Hare. Or the long snap on the would-be game-winning kick that was just a few inches off against Clemson in the 2013 season opener.
OK, actually, if you're a Dawg, you might not want to watch that Pacino speech again. Ever. Same for so many others who came out of Week 3 of the college football season yelping in pain like that poor red-and-black-covered homeboy who so desperately clung to my rain-slicked arm on Saturday night.
Yes, Coach D'Amato, you climb out of hell inch by inch, but you can also dig a hole to it, inch-by-inch.
With apologies to Steve Harvey and Tony Montana, here's this week's Bottom 10.
1. UMass (0-3)
Anytime there is battle of season-long Bottom 10 residents, you know it's going to be a special moment. It's the movable object against the resistible force. My sources tell me that of the 33,386 who attended Saturday's game in Nashville, 17,000 of them were American history professors, anxious to see what would happen when Commodores and Minutemen did battle. For three quarters, UMass shot musket holes into Vandy's hull, but it missed a would-be game-tying field goal as time expired. That play became a social media sensation when VU defensive lineman Adam Butler celebrated the miss and then hugged kicker Blake Lucas, which I believe is the same thing George Washington did to Lord Cornwallis at Yorktown.
2. Kent State (0-3)
Just two seasons ago, the Golden Flashes racked up 11 wins and earned their first bowl berth in 40 years. Last season, their first under head coach Paul Haynes, they stumbled through a tough schedule to finish 4-8. This season they are 0-3 after a predictable loss to Ohio State and two not-so-predictable losses to Ohio and South Alabama. After a weekend off, they travel to suddenly-rugged Virginia. I loathe lazy writing, so I refuse to take the easy route here and call them the Kent State Golden Flashes In The Pan. Instead, I will say ... no, wait ... never mind, I like that.
3. Miami (Ohio) (0-3)
Forget the SEC East or the ACC Coastal. We here at Bottom 10 HQ are much more fired up for the titillating throwdown that's developing in the MAC East, the division that's locked down the top three spots in this week's countdown. I once watched three drunken UConn students try to have a fistfight on the frozen streets of Storrs. The first guy swung, missed and punched himself in the groin. When the second guy jumped to miss the blow, he crashed into the third and they all ended up in a heap on the sidewalk. Meanwhile, one of their girlfriends stood by laughing and soon fell down herself. I think her name was Eastern Michigan.
4. SMU (0-2)
The coach-less Mustangs had a bye week, presumably to prepare for this weekend's visit to see Texas A&M and Kenny Trademark. Meanwhile, their most famous modern-era alum, Eric Dickerson, made it known that if his alma mater doesn't get its football act together, then they should schedule the program on an eternal bye week. Because, you know, he's an expert on what it takes to make a program a winner. No word on whether or not he did that interview while driving his '79 Trans Am.
5. Virginia Tech (2-1)
Sources are telling me that Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, Virginia, is putting in a new roller coaster. The twist for riders is that just after they complete what they think is the toughest hill, the tracks will suddenly take a huge drop. It will be called the Beamer Screamer.
6. Troy (0-3)
The Trojans started the season with a loss to rival UAB and then blew a two-score lead to lose to Duke. On Saturday they lost to FCS non-powerhouse Abilene Christian, who entered the game 0-2 with losses to frequent Bottom 10-dweller Georgia State and the Lumberjacks of Northern Arizona. Now Troy travels to uber-angry Georgia while Abilene Christian hosts Incarnate Word, a.k.a. The Team That Lost To The Team That Hosted "College GameDay" Last Weekend By 58 Points.
7. Vanderbilt (1-2)
Sorry, 'Dores. But my father always told me that "D stands for diploma" wasn't a motto to be proud of during my college days. So, neither is a skin-of-the-teeth win for an SEC East team over a program projected to finish last in the MAC East. This weekend they host South Carolina, and let's hope they pull off the upset. Why? Because that guy who flung his shirt and hat onto the field during the Ole Miss loss has nothing left to strip off but his shorts.
8. New Mexico (0-2)
Oh, baby, it's finally here. On Saturday, the Lobos will travel down I-25 to face New Mexico State in the I Knew I Shoulda Taken That Left Turn At Albuquerque Bowl. The Lobos have had a week off to rest up after their losses to UTEP and Arizona State. Meanwhile, the Aggies are 2-1 after huge wins over Cal Poly and Georgia State and last weekend's loss to ... UTEP. The loser of this game should be forced to go to El Paso next week and wash the Miners' bus.
9. Idaho (0-2)
When I was a kid, my brother and I spent a lot of time in the backyard practicing baseball with a Hank Aaron Pitch-Back, a net mounted on springs that would throw the ball back at you just as hard as you'd thrown it. And that brings me to Idaho. The Vandals are really good at slinging the ball downfield, ranked 13th in the nation with 343 passing yards per game. Unfortunately, like me, little bro, and Hank, the ball is coming back at them just as hard. They're ranked 108th in total defense and 118th in points surrendered at 40 per game ... against ULM and Eastern Michigan.
10. Northwestern (0-2)
The Wildcats kicked off their 2014 We Heart Illinois tour with a loss to Northern Illinois. This weekend, they host Western Illinois. On Nov. 29, they will end the season with a visit from Just Plain Ol' Illinois.
Waiting List: Fresno State (0-3), Washington State (1-2), Texas coin-flippers, the guy who sent me an email comparing Georgia Southern's near-miss effort vs. Georgia Tech to the final battle in "300."