The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:
I'm tired.
Tired of playing the game.
Ain't it a freaking shame?
I'm so ...
Let's face it ... everything below the waist is kaput!
-- Lili Von Shtupp, "Blazing Saddles"
Halloween is here. October is sliding into the rearview mirror. The eye black is smeared. The trainers' tables are full. The cold tubs are packed. So are the hot tubs. Spirits are no longer high. They are broken. Outlooks are no longer optimistic. They are realistic. And with each passing weekend hour, another "Not eligible for postseason" asterisk pops up alongside yet another university name.
There's an old coaches' saying: They remember what you do in November. That's never been truer than now, as the College Football Playoff committee meets behind closed doors in a swanky Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex hotel to determine the top 25 teams in the game.
But that's not how we roll in the Bottom 10. Our selection committee meets in a brick carport behind the Dream Lodge Motel outside Mesquite. Our meals aren't catered. We eat off the Whataburger kids menu. And instead of being fed an endless digital supply of up-to-the-second statistics from the Power 5, we have one of those old ticker tape machines from a shuttered newspaper, rat-a-tatting out data from the MAC East, Sun Belt and the AACACCACAA.
Is it glamorous? No. But is it necessary? Well, actually, no. But we do it anyway. No matter how tired we might be.
With apologies to Steve Harvey and the honorable Gov. William J. Lepetomane, here's this week's Bottom 10. Somebody's gotta go back and get a crapload of dimes.
1. SMU (0-7)
True story. I was in Dallas last week working on a story for ESPN The Magazine and had a couple of hours to kill. So I drove over to SMU, found an open gate and walked into Gerald Ford Stadium. Down on the field a handful of track athletes, done with running sprints, were tossing around a football they'd found. A security guard, about to politely ask me to leave, greeted me with a smile, saying, "That's the best offense I've seen on that field all year."
2. Georgia State (1-7)
Georgia Southern, no wait ... I mean, Georgia State, fell behind to Georgia State ... I mean, Georgia Southern, but then Georgia Southern ... I mean, Georgia State, rallied to make it close. But ultimately, Georgia State ... I mean, Georgia Southern proved too talented and put Georgia Southern ... I mean, Georgia State, away by a score of 69-31. When the chants of "GSU!" started in the second half, I'll be honest, it made me feel better. Or worse.
3. Kent State (1-7)
Fun Fact: There are now six teams in all of FBS football wearing one of those postseason ineligibility asterisks due to already having suffered seven losses. Half of those teams are in the MAC East.
4. Troy (1-7)
Troy followed up its loss to Appalachian State with a loss to South Alabama. Speaking of Appalachian State, I want to give a quick shoutout to all the Mountaineers fans who have filled my inbox with complaints that I kept calling them Appy State. Because, you know, that's the biggest problem they have right now ... being given a goofy nickname like every other team in these totally imaginary rankings. It's something about me and the fan bases of former Southern Conference powerhouses ...
5. Michigan (3-5)
Jamming a spike into the turf like you own the place when you're 3-4 (about to be 3-5), you've lost four out of the past five in the series, and you haven't won in Spartan Stadium since the Bush Administration? That's like walking into a biker bar and telling someone to step outside while wearing Bermuda shorts and sandals with socks. In a related note, angry post-spike Mark Dantonio and KISS Tom Izzo should sign up to fight for the tag team title at the next WrestleMania.
6. Vanderbilt (2-6)
The Dores were riding a two-game winning streak against Charleston Southern and Open Date University, but fell to Mizzou in the Dear Heavens Thank You We Aren't In The SEC West Classic. Johnny McCrary threw for 196 yards, meaning that Vandy now leads the nation in the coveted "Number of QBs who have thrown for between 200-400 yards on the season" statistic, with four.
7. UConn (1-6)
The Snow Dogs put up a spirited fight against East Carolina, but were unable to bring chaos to the natural order of American Athletic Conference of American Athletics.
8. Tulsa (1-6)
The Golden Hurricane got a little me time, aka Tulsa Time, to refresh their batteries for a trip to Memphis this weekend. I would advise that they stop by Graceland to load up on fried peanut butter and 'nana sandwiches. They'll need such manly fuel in advance of their Nov. 8 Bottom 10 Bowl date with SMU. Honestly, shouldn't that have been scheduled for Halloween?
9. Eastern Michigan (2-6)
Sick of the MAC East hogging all the attention, a member of the western division has moved in. This came down to a coin flip between "The Boys from Oopsilanti." who've suffered back-to-back losses to UMass and Northern Illinois, and Idaho, who edged out the Fighting Byes of Open Date, 0-0. But the coin I flipped rolled under my couch and got lost in the air conditioner register, so ... Eastern Michigan it is! Over the next four weeks Eastern Michigan, Central Michigan and Western Michigan all play each other.
10. Wake Forest (2-6)
At halftime of the Bodacious Bishops' eventual loss to Boston College, I bungeed a football to my dog's back and had her run across the kitchen. Then I gave her a treat and informed her that she now had more total offense than the Furious Friars had mustered -- six yards -- in two quarters of football.
Waiting List: Idaho (1-7), Kansas (2-5), New Mexico State (2-6), Army (2-5), UTSA (2-6), Virginia Blech (4-4), Pew Mexico (2-5), TCU stadium ops team running out of fireworks.